Friendship

As an autist, I think of trying to make friends as like being at a very large party.  This party has spaces in a large house and even larger grounds – think of a country manor estate, if it helps.

I am in the house with some lovely other people, who can be hard to find as the house has many, many rooms.  Everyone else is outside enjoying the fresh air in the gardens.

I can talk with the people in the gardens…through a window.  But at times I want to talk on a more connected level with them, so I go to a window to get the attention of someone outside.  The person outside tells me to come out the door into the garden, but I am either unable to find the door they are referring to, or I find that the door is locked.

When I try to explain this to the person outside, their reaction tends to be along the lines of asking if I am sure I went to the correct door, or if it were really locked…and suggesting that maybe I should just try again, or push harder…but they do not offer to find a key or try the door themselves in order to enter the house.  Then the person outside wanders off to talk to someone else, leaving me to flail about in the house looking for a key that does not exist.

Eventually I give up and go back to talking with the other lovely people in the house (the ones I have managed to find, at least).  Part of me still wishes that the people outside the house were prepared to do the hard work (that they expect of us in the house) of finding the correct door, or the key, or even entering the house.  But more often than not, the people outside the house do not do this work because they do not feel the need to as most people at the party are outside the house.

This is what friendship with non-autistic (NA) people can feel like – like those of us who are autistic are the ones putting in most of the work to understand and be understood.  It feels like we autists are the ones doing most of this work because our NA friends do not feel the need as keenly due to easily being able to make friends and maintain friendships with other NA people.

And we’re the ones lacking empathy, or with poor communication skills?