Meltdowns, Shutdowns, and Tantrums – what’s the difference?

Let’s start with tantrums.

A tantrum is an emotional outburst characterised by actions such as screaming, crying, defiance, stubbornness, and sometimes acts of violence.  They are usually thrown by toddlers - most of us are familiar with the image of a toddler hysterical at not getting a toy or a particular food item in the supermarket.  They may also be thrown by adults - in which case they are often called 'hissy fits'.  They are normally a reaction to frustration with the world, other people, or personal circumstances.

A toddler generally throws tantrums because they haven't yet learnt skills of how to (calmly) verbalise their frustrations, what to do with being told, "No", delay of gratification, and self-regulation.  Generally, they don't know how to verbalise their frustrations because they don't have the vocabulary to express themselves adequately.

An adult normally throws tantrums because they've been taught from childhood that if they throw a fit, someone will give them what they want.  An adult generally doesn’t throw themselves on the floor like a toddler might, instead he or she becomes verbally enraged and / or physically violent towards the person, group, or thing they believe is blocking their way.

A tantrum normally stops when the object of desire is received – the toy, the food item, the undeserved refund on a product or service, subservience from an employee, co-worker, or family member…

So, what are meltdowns?

Meltdowns are a stress reaction to being overwhelmed.  Anyone can have them, but autistic people are more likely to do so.  This is because our senses are often highly receptive to stimulation, particularly from external sources, so they are more likely to be overwhelmed by various stimuli.

For instance, as well as eye contact and other visual stimuli, many of us are highly attuned to stimulation of our other senses.  For some of us, noise-cancelling headphones are a Godsend in this regard to dampen the level of aural input we receive.  Some autists are highly sensitive to texture, with many opting to cut the sizing and garment care tags off their clothes.

When the autistic mind is bombarded by too much stimulation, it can lead the autist to have a meltdown.  A meltdown can look like a tantrum in that the person can have outbursts of uncontrolled crying, screaming, and sometimes, acts of violence.

It is important to note that meltdowns are not tantrums.  They notably differ in the following respects:

·    Tantrums are directed outwards – the displays of emotion are directed out, towards the perceived road-blocker (parents, service providers, employees, family members).  Meltdowns are directed inwards as the sufferer focuses on sensations they are perceiving and tries to find ways to block them.

·     Individual tantrums stop when they are rewarded with reception of a desired object or goal.  Meltdowns are not pacified with the presentation of a ‘shiny new thing’.  Indeed, this can make things worse as the ‘shiny new thing’ and interactions with people are just more stimulation of an already overloaded system.

We do not all have spectacular noisy meltdowns; some of us just shut down instead.

Autistic shutdown can be as simple as a short-term loss of ability to articulate our needs or what is going on inside us, but I’ve also read accounts from others of their need for complete rest (and perhaps sleep) for several days.  Like autistic meltdowns, they are a stress reaction to being overwhelmed, generally by too much external stimulation.

For me, I shut down when everything just gets to be Too Much.  My shutdowns take the form of inability to articulate as a first step, and graduate to being curled up with arms around my knees, hands over ears, and gently rocking.  I know, I know – verbose me ends up unable to talk; literally unable to articulate what I need or don’t need.  Other Half will at times say things like, “Use your words,” and it’s all I can do to say, “I can’t.”

What can you as a non-autistic (or even not-over-stimulated autistic) person do for someone in these circumstances?

·    Give the person experiencing the meltdown or shutdown space, time, and peace.

·    Do not punish them – this is not bad behaviour; it’s a stress reaction.

·     Let them know that you are there for them if or when they need it.  One way you might do this is by silent care-giving.  For example, you might make them a cup of tea, leave it in front of them, and walk away, all without saying anything other than perhaps, “I’ll be in the …. room.”  This shows that you care for the person, and you do so enough to let them emerge at their own pace, not yours.

·     Stop talking.  Seriously.  Stop talking at them.  Talking is your attempt to minimize your feelings of awkwardness.  It is really unhelpful because (a) it’s more stimulation; and (b) the person having the meltdown or shutdown will just be more stressed by the idea that they are being made responsible for making you feel better…or at least getting you to shut up.  If you keep jabbering away at me, I will walk away.  So, learn to live with your feelings of awkwardness as much as the world expects us to live with ours.