Communication breakdown

Part of the definition of ASD that you may see includes “difficulties with social communication and interaction”.  You might be wondering if the friend you have in mind therefore qualifies – they seem so competent with talking to people, managing to hold great conversations, even being witty (!), and delighting in events with many guests they can interact with.

If you ask them though, you might be surprised at what is going on for them in their minds.  Here are some experiences I am aware of for myself and others:

·       Despite all the things they try, they never feel that others really ‘get them’.  They will often retell the same thing in slightly different ways in the hope that they will be better understood.  Oh, happy day when they meet someone who seems to get them first go!

·       They talk to many people because they are intensely interested in working out how others tick.  Often this will be for the purposes of incorporating what they learn into their own behaviour arsenal so that they do not seem so "weird" to others.  They may not be aware that that is what they are doing because they have been doing it for so long that it has become an automatic, subconscious behaviour.

·       They talk for extended periods of time almost without a break, or letting the other party get a word in edgewise, to one or more people.  They do this because they don’t know the signs to watch for that would tell them that their audience is bored, but is too polite to say so.

If you are a member of the bored audience, and know the person well, consider telling them privately that they can be verbose to the point of being boring.  But please, please do not leave it at that!  Give them some clues of things to look for in others, otherwise your autistic friend will likely (a) repeat the same verbosity at another time; and (b) may beat themselves up that they still don’t ‘get it’ or ‘get other people’ despite their best efforts. (a) is painful for you; (b) is painful for your friend.

If you can, it's also helpful if you can give them pointers on what to do instead - the "try X", not just "stop doing Y" idea.